Are you ready for a deep post? I originally wrote this back in January, but I was still quite nervous to share some details that were relevant to the story, until now. I've grown a lot this year and I think I'm ready to finally share the real stuff with you. I'm re-writing a lot of posts that'll be up very soon but first, one of my most raw post I've written so far.

So before we start, I have no hatred towards anyone I speak of, I personally don't want any contact with them again because they're not the greatest of people and I just don't have any feelings for them in any way anymore. But the things they did to me have affected me in ways that someone who's been lucky enough to have faithful partners just wouldn't understand. But, it's something that's becoming more common unfortunately, so I thought I'd use my platform to highlight how being cheated on does affect someone and how it can taint future relationships.

My Experience With Cheaters

My first boyfriend cheated on me with 7 people that I know of.. Pretty impressive for a nearly 2 month relationship, not gonna lie. But, he left his phone at my house when he went to work and I was going to take it to him until a message came through from a girl, the contents of this message were so explicit that I took that as my opportunity to look through his phone and what I found honesty shocked me so much. I found 7 girls in his messages, all explicit messages, arranging times to hook up and all of this while he told me he was working or having drinks before/after work.

I already had trust issues from a childhood full of trauma from my birth parents and the revolving door of men my biological mother had, and now I had men who promised me I was all they wanted who were actually sleeping with 7+ other people? You'd think it would end there, but 7 years after we immediately broke up he slid back in the my DMs playing the victim, but here's the kicker - he wanted someone on his side because of his pedophilia allegations and convictions that would come later on in the year.

If that wasn't enough, lets get on to my second boyfriend.. He was a bit sneaker, I started to suspect he was a cheater on my 21st birthday, he obviously completely forgot my birthday and booked to go away to a festival, which I found messages from a girl after they had a good time in the hammocks. How much of a good time can you have in a hammock? Not even 6 months later after this, I found out from his friend that on a night out (while I was in bed crying because it was my dad's birthday, whose death I never recovered from) he got drunk and went to his exes house, shouting at her window to take him back.. This was over a year and a half into our relationship. 

This was a guy who never wanted to be intimate with me, but on the very very rare occasion (I mean rare, in nearly 2 years we maybe had sex 10-15 times at a push) we actually had sex, I was either left feeling like I'd just been used or I was disgusting. I have a selfie I took during our relationship where my shoulder has a huge bruise on it, that was from him. I felt like I'd been assaulted at least twice in the relationship, once I asked if we could try some more rougher things and that was the biggest mistake ever. I ended up crying afterwards, I had bruises all over me and it was not enjoyable in the slightest, or when he was drunk and bite my lip open and basically lost control, where in the morning I had a total of 8 bruises across my top half. I had to wear a hoodie to try and hide it from his family and hope they wouldn't say anything.  

The day he finally dumped me was, my god, one of the best things I could have ever dreamed of, he used those famous words "Don't worry, there's no one else." But can you guess what's coming next? Oh yes. There was! It wasn't until I started working at a fashion retail store, that one of the girls actually knew him and told me how he was sleeping with this woman while he was at the shop she previously was at - I was with him for the first 6 months of him being there, but are we even surprised at this point? I know I'm not.

How It Affected Me..

When someone makes the decision to cheat, I don't think they ever truly understand the lasting effects that it has on someone. If I'm romantically involved with someone, I get so scared when they go on nights out, I'll be so scared incase they're going to cheat - even if they're as loyal as a Labrador, it'll always be in the back of my mind. I constantly made myself believe that I'm not good enough, that they'll find someone better, it makes me so sad because before I was cheated on, I was pretty confident around guys and now my brain goes to every terrible thing they could do to my trust and my heart.

After all of this, I honestly didn't believe I was good enough to be loved, that being treated with basic respect let alone like a princess was only for the movies, and I do just expect people to cheat on me and leave me heartbroken every time I start to get close to someone now.

It took me over 2 years to even get back into the dating scene, I'm such a hopeless romantic which makes it so painful to always believe that you're going to end up alone and heartbroken when all you want is someone to make you feel loved, safe and to be important to someone, not just something to be thrown away when they find someone else.

When I did end up dating, I never got passed date two, mainly out of fear of getting used. I mean at this point every guy I'd gotten close to has used me in some way; for pictures, videos, sex, even editing their photos (shout out to car guy who told me all the right things and got me to edit his car pictures and then ghosted me, what a douche.) - I'm so used to feeling like I'm not worthy of being someones person and being loved that I actually don't think I'll know how to react if a guy comes into my life who's actually a good person. 

The first time I started to get close to a guy was in 2019, I thought of every possible way he could break my heart and ended up breaking my own heart and ending things. I'm so scared of getting hurt again, to be treated like dirt and for my trust to be broken again that I ended things after the second date. That is how painful getting close to somebody new is now.

I hate to say that at the age of 25 it's only been in the last year-ish that I realised that I do actually deserve so much more than how guys have treated me in the past. Yes I have major trust issues, which hopefully future Prince Charming can handle, but I do believe there are good guys out there, I've seen the incredible guys my friends are with, how they treat them so delicately and make them so loved and I hope one day I'm lucky enough to experience that too - but until then, shall we all collectively agree that cheating men go straight in the trash and you beautiful humans will flourish in your glow ups (I know I am) and remember we are bad bitches, who deserve the world.

I hope to the ends of the earth that none of you reading this ever have to go through being cheated on, but if you have then my DM's are always open on instagram to have a chat.

Here's to a toxic free 2021!

Love Daisy x

Find me on Instagram here.